Examining the dreaded drop-off and rampant mum guilt
Today when I dropped Iggy off at his care he held onto me and said ‘I miss mummy, I want to come with you to work’.
For context, his care is a small 4-6 child nature playgroup run by the extremely caring and fabulous Jasmine from Earthsong Nature Programs. Iggy loves it and although it is new has happily waved goodbye to me every time. I have been lucky with my babies and 98% of the time when I leave them they feel safe, regulated, confident and secure and wave me off with ease (I know this is not the experience of many and I am grateful for that). The few times that they have had apprehensions I have honoured them (my choice) and either taken them home or settled them with my presence for extended times. I have had this luxury when I was not working or desperately needing a break, and I am acutely aware that many do not, and for that, I feel many emotions that stem back to the complete lack of support for mothers and the immense financial pressures we have in this day and age. Grrrr!
It did get me thinking, about this guilt-ridden battle that so many parents, (more than often mothers) fight every morning before they even step into their paid work for the day. So I talked to our community and this is what I found…
When I asked the community if they had experienced a hard drop off, 45% yes all the time, 18% when they started care, 32% said a few and 5% never. Extremely high odds that in the realm of parenting, you are likely going to come face to face with a dreaded drop-off. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
For the majority of our pollers, this dreaded drop-off included all of the following: lots of crying, holding on to the parent and ‘don’t leave me' language’.
So what did we do? 50% waited until the child was settled before leaving, 37% ripped the bandaid off and left while the child was upset, 3% distracted and didn’t say bye and 10% took their child home. With absolutely no judgment here, (we don’t need any more of that) we can see that there are many different approaches, mistakes to be made and always a spectrum. We would encourage parents to try to tune into that good old intuition, making a clear definition between intuition and anxiety.
Intuition comes from a place of calm and knowing, a present place.
Whereas anxiety comes from a place of fear, can be projecting into the past or the future.
Tuning into your intuition may come from a state of trust in your chosen carer, as the parent you can demonstrate to your child that you have faith and trust in the carer and this will show your child they are safe. As a calm and confident leader you can hand over the child to the chosen carer.
Iggy at Little Gumnuts on Tuesday
Now today for me, I had said goodbye multiple times to Iggy and length explained to him that he was safe, and loved, Jasmine was there to care for him, I would see him later on, and I had to leave for work. I stayed for 40 mins playing with him, warming him into the space, cuddling, reassurance etc. He was not crying just holding me and verbally asking to stay with me, with me still present he would happily get into an activity. After the discussion with Jasmine, knowing he would be okay, as he was happily playing with blocks I asked if I should just back out and not say the ‘bye’ word again. Jasmine said there is literature to support both ways. So I kissed him on the cheek and walked out. I had not done this before, walked away without the happy wave and it felt shit! I hopped into the car, took a breath, and felt the heaviness of every mother/parent in the world who has to make these choices for sanity or survival, or just because someone told them they had to!
The heaviness described by our community:
Broken. Heart-wrenching. The guilt is gut-wrenching. Terrible. Like my nervous system had been shaken. Heartbroken. Emotional. Like I wasn’t doing the right thing. Horrible. Guilty. Awful intense guilt. So conflicted and guilty. Like shit. Cruel parent. Selfish. Awful. Guilty. Heartbroken. Crying. Stressed. Rushed. Guilty. Worst mum. Heart broke. Guilty. LIke my heart was ripped in two. Sick to my stomach. Okay after the call knowing they were okay. Terrible. Shit. Like shit until text knowing they were good. Guilty. Sad. Worried. Guilty. Sad for her for leaving. Horrible, I can’t do it anymore. Shit but gotta get to work. Terrible. Bloody awful. Emotional. Guilty. Overwhelmed. Tears while rushing to work. Sad. Guilty. Awful. Better when I know they are happy. Sad. Guilty. Guilty. Terrible, I’m still in it. Awful. Guilty.
The common thread, the rampant emotion plaguing us all... GUILT, GUILT GUILT!! But why when we believe we are doing the right thing do we feel guilty? Traditionally guilt is inbuilt in us to keep us in an ‘acceptable’ moral range and function in a society, don’t kill some bloke, don’t litter, donate to charity, don’t stomp on someone’s cat or trash someone’s home. But why as mothers do we often feel guilty to some part of our lives almost all the time, our children, our partners, our friends, our workplace, our family? I think there is real guilt: you hurt someone you regret it, and you change your behaviour. Great. And false guilt: a negative feeling triggered by not living up to standards that are no longer realistic or because of things outside our control. It’s clear this bullshit ‘mum guilt’ falls into the latter. Our intellects know that the guilt is often unfounded but our big old hearts say otherwise. So whats the answer… well abolish mum guilt, duhh, super easy right? Wrong. But I’m working on it...
“Mum guilt won’t contribute to the children we raise, but it will prevent us from enjoying the process”
So we are fucking off the unnecessary guilt and getting to the practical, how can we make drop-off feel better for all involved? We turned to some experts and our community and this is what they said..
Goodbyes? How important?
Jess from Raising Resilience says ‘It is important to say goodbye and not to ghost our children. Have a routine goodbye for predictability’
Kinder teacher: I always encourage parents to say goodbye to their children, and I’ll be back soon. Fostering a sense of trust that what you say happens. When you arrive back “See I came back, I will always come back for you”.
Early Childhood Educator: Disappearing without goodbyes can often harm the process long term, as the child feels they lose a sense of agency and trust. Goodbyes reinforce that you do what you said you would, and that means when you say you will come back, you come back.
Tips from our community for smooth drop-offs:
Pump up tunes pre-drop off, high vibes start.
Talk about drop off before and set the scene, ‘mummy is going to work, i will be back later to get you’.
Acknowledge and validate their feelings, ‘saying goodbye is hard and it’s okay to feel sad’.
Make fun games a part of drop off, race to the gate etc, remember child language is play
Special toy or comforter to help them feel safe
Consistency, routine in the drop off, walk in, pack bag away, kiss good bye.
High five instead of cuddle
Get carer involved and connected with child before leaving
Educator giving a special job for them to do to settle them in space (autonomy)
Prepare for separation starting with games like hide and seek at home
Talking about the fun things after daycares, positive association
Talking about being connected in other ways than being together
Food as a regulation
Mentally prepared them for drop off, talking about it before, lots of advance notice
Clear communication
Positive relationships with carers
Quick kiss and go, don’t drag out the goodbyes, can feel like a rollercoaster for child
Both wear a necklace to stay connected throughout the day
Calm and confident presence at drop off
Visual chart of drop off process
Photo of child carer on fridge at home
Consistency
A big squeeze that lasts the WHOLE day
Same carer
Routine
HOT TIP: There is a lot we can do outside of the moment eg. Using Attachment Play to support them with the idea of separation - initiating hide-and-seek games for example. We can “practice” being apart from our children in this game. Interestingly, children who find separating hard will often come out of their hiding spots before being found, we can almost (sometimes) track their feelings around separating through this game as they become more comfortable hiding for longer periods.
A note from Jess at Raising Resilience: ‘It is important to note that there is a big difference between a child who is upset or unsettled at drop off but settles quickly, enjoys their care and is happy for most of the session VS a child who is very anxious before, during and after drop off’. They may not be ready for care at this time, and this may be a bigger discussion to be had in the family unit.
Other things that may change or impact drop-offs and care days: illness, changes in the home, trauma, physical things such as teeth and ears, sleep, nutrition, routine, busyness within the home, harmony in the home, and how you as the parent are feeling, connection time, rushing in the morning, toilet training, neurodiversity, routine and predictability.
A note from Jasmine from Earthsong Nature Program: ‘In 25 years of experience, it is often in incidences when a child settles quickly after the parent leaves, that it is likely the parent is dragging out the drop-off’. So it is always a good question to ask yourself. Are you as the parent feeling ready to be separated from your child? Our children are always to most magical little mirrors of feelings we may not even know we have yet…
What happened to Iggy: As soon as I left, I messaged Jasmine to see if he settled, she said he did not cry, he just asked where I was, Jasmine said I had gone to the car and left, he said okay and proceeded to play happily for the day. When I arrived home later that evening (Dad did pick up), I honestly still felt the heaviness of the lingering guilt (yes also about to bleed in my cycle and a bit unhinged and tired). Iggy greeted me at the door with a grin from ear to ear, I cuddled him and said “Hey darling, see I told you I would see you later on for big cuddles, let’s jump in the bath together’. All was well, we were together again.
This blog, although sprinkled with expert advice and knowledge is by no means a step-by-step guide, as always with parenting, take what resonates and leave what does not! We hope you feel seen and understood as we stand in solidarity always, as parents doing our god dam best!
Useful resource: https://www.heysigmund.com/how-to-move-children-through-separation-anxiety/
